Is my growing beard the inevitable result of declining budgets at the Witness Protection Program?

To tell the truth, the decision to grow my beard was not just to atone for my hyperopinionation. In fact, what I really wanted to do was to see how I looked in a beard. Yes, curiosity is the real reason I have been growing a beard.
Oops, there goes my ever-efficient wife, catching a typo again. I am told that line should have read: "Laziness is the real reason I have been growing a beard."
Truth be told, I did the four-day nothing cycle more by accident. When you work out of home and have nobody to impress but a skunk under the porch, a stray cat meandering about, the withering cherry tree sapling and a handful of flocking sparrows, the days can just kind of get away from you. Before I knew it, I had the foundation of a growing beard.
That's when I got curious.
And lazy.
Some have suggested that I am growing my beard to make up for my receding hairline. I've heard it all.
"Once upon a time, your hair was on top of your head. Now, your head is on top of your hair."
"Your hair must have slipped off your head, and now it's hanging on for dear life."
"That solar panel you had installed up there is really fueling a growth below."
"The 'Hanging Gardens of Babble-on'"
Ha, ha, very funny.
I think my curiosity is settled. I am still lazy, but I am ready to shave off my beard. Unfortunately, my wife's grandmother has not yet seen it, so I am keeping it on by special request until she can see it. Due to a heavy schedule, that visit might take a while.
Oops. Silly me. My wife the proofreader has saved me from inaccuracy once more. I am told that it is due to being too lazy to shave my beard, that visit might take a while.
But sooner or later, the beard will have to go. I don't want to be mistaken for Charles Manson. Nor Fidel Castro. Nor Josephia Quade, whomever she is.
And summer is not the best season for growing a beard. It would make more sense in winter, when I need protection against the bitter arctic winds. In summer, it will only make my face sweat.
But what will finally end my curiosity – and my laziness! – is food. When something sufficiently ooey and gooey gets stuck in the beard – something that I just cannot identify – that will probably scare me into shaving it off.
Besides, all this beard-growing is probably of little comfort to those people wanting most to rearrange my face because of my vocal opinions. Knowing how to grow a beard won't solve their problem.
A stapler might.

How to Grow a Beard

Occasionally, I've been known to be somewhat opinionated. Oops. My wife just caught that typo. I am told I have been known to be VERY opinionated. I have at least two opinions on just about every topic. I am sure there are times when people have felt like rearranging my face. Unfortunately (for them!) there is no legal method for them to do that.
Being a kind and generous individual, I have been searching for ways to help these unfortunate victims of my over-active opinionation. Finally, I have found a way to rearrange my face.
To help them out, I have grown a beard.
It was so easy, you can do it, too.
Here is how to grow a beard. (Ladies, please don't try this at home.) On Day 1, I did nothing. On Day 2, I did nothing again. On Day 3, I did nothing twice. On Day 4, I verified that nothing was still being done. Then I simply repeated the cycle.
(Editor's note: Douglas Adams denied any collaboration on this bear-growing article!)
It's been about five or six weeks, and my face is definitely rearranged.

Microsoft Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of life.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

Operation
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

Drawbacks
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

Conclusion
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam). Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

Laws of Computer Programming

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Any program will expand to fill any available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.